Douche Cougars

7 Jan


I had the pleasure of spending New Year’s Eve with some clowns from around the way who were kind enough to listen to my drunken fireside ramblings about Greek mythology, boxing technique, the art of writing compelling fiction, and other subjects I know next to nothing about.

Now, at every party, at least the ones I attend, there is invariably a person who goes far and beyond the call of duty, a shit-show champion if you will, who puts even my debilitating alcoholism into perspective. Our MVP of this particular night was a woman in her late thirties, visibly pregnant and heavily tattooed, wearing a green miniskirt that unsuccessfully shielded her genitals from the roaring fire. Every few minutes my friend Gary was required to leap up from his lawn chair and employ a modified wrestling hold on this woman, to keep her from tumbling ass-first into the fire pit. She was, to the best of my recollection, attempting to abort her unborn child with what I imagine to be a lethal cocktail of cocaine, marijuana resin, mood stabilizers, high fructose corn syrup, amyl nitrates, and Lord knows what else.

At some point in the evening, we had this meaningful exchange:

Party Girl: I just got screamed at by a bunch of guys on the street.
Me: Why?
Girl: Because they’re fucking douche cougars, why the fuck do you think?

Oh my, that is perfect.

Douche cougars. I like that.

But what, exactly, is a douche cougar? According to Urban Dictionary:

1.     douche cougar
term for someone who asks you to move down in a bar …


This definition makes a kind of intuitive sense–douche, because asking someone to give up their bar seat is a classic “douche move”; and cougar, because this erstwhile reasonable request, in the hands of a douche, is a feral, manipulative, aggressive and tactless act.

However, in my opinion, the term douche cougar is too rich and rewarding to be wasted on such a niche definition.

So in honor of this blustering, unstoppable tornado of a woman, I would like to introduce an alternate definition of “douche cougar” into the lexicon:

2.     douche cougar
a person, typically male, who regularly engages in “douche-y” behavior, long after the point when such
behavior is reasonable or cute or age-appropriate


And we’re done here. What I like about this secondary definition, is that it attempts to repurpose the banal, better-known, female-directed cougar to fit an aging male stereotype. (The term “cougar,” in itself, is sort of a douche-y thing to call an older woman with a healthy sex drive.)

On to our rejection du jour, courtesy of Santa Monica Review

Dear Writer,

We don’t know of anyone who hasn’t had work returned at one time or another, but that certainly doesn’t make it any easier. We hope you will find some consolation in the individuality of editorial tastes and in the assurance that, with persistence, good work will be recognized as such.

Thank you for trying us.

The Editors

This may be the most well-crafted form rejection I’ve ever received. I love the story it tells–its empathetic appeal; its insider take on the sad world of writers–all of it cresting in the bold guarantee that my work, if good, will eventually be accepted to some great reward (just not by the Santa Monica Review). For now I can take solace in the “individuality of editorial tastes,” and resist the dark thought that the Editors of SMH just shoved my story aside to make room for a better, sexier, more interesting and profitable writer.


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