Suckeye State

5 Nov

As a Penn State alum, I can’t even begin to describe the shame and horror of being rejected from The Journal of Ohio State University.

You see, while matriculating at Penn State, we were taught to view our cross-state, Big Ten rivals as deranged primates that had somehow learned to cogitate at a third-grade level and to feed themselves with metal utensils. To this day, the average Ohio State student looks to me like someone sharted into a petrie dish containing the sperm of an inbred baboon cross-spliced with a ringworm’s DNA. I don’t even know what that means, but I believe it’s in the Penn State student handbook somewhere.

Complicating matters is that I don’t feel any special allegiance to my alma mater and am actually kind of sickened by the culture of “Happy Valley.” As my best friend Stan likes to quip: “All I got out of Penn State was twenty thousand dollars of debt and a drinking problem.” But to a disinterested outsider, the two universities are largely indistinguishable. Both are football schools that happen to dish out degrees. Both are hellholes overrun with psychotic date rapists who are one Saturday-afternoon last-second field goal away from stripping naked, flipping police cars and burning down their dorms.

The last time I was in Ohio was for my friend Drew’s wedding. Stan, my friend Jason, his then-fiancee Rochelle, and me, were tooling around downtown Columbus looking for something to do that didn’t involve the age-old college pastime of “beating up on queers.” We ended up in the basement of a tattoo parlor in the midst of a nightmarish jam session with a bunch of Juggalos who were smoking angel dust and playing electric guitars using beer tabs as picks. That was the high point of the evening. The night ended with a coked-up jock throwing a full can of beer at our windshield and trying to lure Jason out of the car and into a fight. Ohio sucks.

I should pause here to remind my pretend readership that Ohio was largely responsible for putting the cretinous war criminal George W. Bush into office for a second term. I don’t mean to connect The Journal’s rejection of my story with the carpet-bombing of huge swaths of desert cities for no good reason, the bursting of the housing and tech bubbles, the eradication of the American middle class, and the subsequent decline of America as a world superpower, but the writing’s on the wall, you draw your own conclusions, what do I look like, the Nate Silver of unpopular literary blogs?


3 Responses to “Suckeye State”

  1. Sean November 6, 2012 at 7:55 am #

    This is awesome.

    • Sean November 6, 2012 at 7:56 am #

      However, in an attempt to not look like a sycophantic suckup (since I just noticed that comments are subject to moderation by the blog author) I will point out that the author bears more than a slight resemblance to a syphilitic baboon.

  2. jt badley October 4, 2015 at 3:39 pm #

    You are a liberal jackass!

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